Follow on from the LRO show

Creep Jan - In defence of Richard, I think he'd been on the old vino - again!

You are not implying anything of course, are you Keith!!!!!!!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his new
wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a
couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all
the dishes were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and bragged that he had given his
new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He
told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was
better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there
was a huge meal on the table.
Keith said that he had married a Welsh girl. He boasted that
the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, the
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every
day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye.
Enough to make himself a bit to eat, load the dishwasher and call a
gardener.

Two tourists were travelling in Wales and stopped for lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.


They said to the waitress "can you pronounce the name of this place very slowly please".


Of course she said....





.........its Buuurrrgerrr Kiiinnnnggg
_________________

tonic wrote:

Two tourists were travelling in Wales and stopped for lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.


They said to the waitress "can you pronounce the name of this place very slowly please".


Of course she said....





.........its Buuurrrgerrr Kiiinnnnggg
_________________

Think I'm slowly losing the will to live

One for any southerners.

At a London school, the teacher asked the class: "Name two crustaceans"
Little Johnny replied: "Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean

tonic wrote:

One for any southerners.

At a London school, the teacher asked the class: "Name two crustaceans"
Little Johnny replied: "Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean

That's it.....................definitely lost the will to live!

Jan, Don't give up just yet. Got loads more!

* When you occasionally find rust flakes in your ears.
* If you keep these strange Imperial-thread bolts in your pocket in case the dashboard falls off.
* If WD40 has a higher priority on the household budget than milk.
* When your husband starts referring to you as "my ex-", although you are still married.
* If your bathtub bears a sign: "Not suitable for engine blocks".
* When you dream of burned Lucas electrics when your wife smokes a cigarette in bed
* If even Essex girls turn you down after they`ve seen your car.
* If 10 lbs of of prime top soil fall on the tarmac when you smack your door shut
* If you store K&N air filter cleaning liquid under the kitchen sink because you need it so often
* When you drive in shorts in the flemish winter to avoid wet jeans.
* If nobody parks next to you on a Saturday supermarket parking lot
* If only the African immigrants greet you in town
* If your kitchen table shows marks of engine blocks.
* When you can't find any clothes without battery acid holes or engine oil stains
* If you wonder why it smells so funny if you throw a cig butt on the floor of a rental car
* If you start every conversation in the vehicle with "one, two, test" to check the intercom
* When even Russians don't believe your truck is only 20 years old
* When there are more tools in the truck than in your house
* If you think it's essential to carry 20 litres of water at all times, even in Belgium
* If the only two shops you know in town are the parts dealer and the tool shop
* When you decide on weekend plans in bed and the alternatives are grease-up or fix the radiator
* If you buy rear mirrors in bulk at the farmer's union shop
* When the GPS in your vehicle has the main purpose to replace the speedo and odometer
* When you are surprised that the M.O.T. mentions the condition of your seats in the report
* If you wonder why the moss in your truck's inner window sills is greener than your lawn
* When you are used to switch off headlights before indicating right because they interfere
* If all your jacket pockets and belt loops are torn by LR door locks
* When you find a gas evaporator between salt and pepper in the kitchen
* When a Russian women observes 'these are not women's hands' and someone adds 'just don't ask her what she has been repairing this time...'
* When your friends steal imperial sockets for you as a wedding present
* When your handbag contains pliers, multimeter, Swisstool, insulation tape, 30 amps fuses, compass, imperial bolts and a torch
* If you only dare to use the coin operated car wash on a dark Sunday night
* If friends don't want you to show up in the afternoon because they got visitors but then they call you at 8 AM on a Sunday morning when they're stuck in the forest.
* when other girls give you a 1 1/8" socket as a present -and they know you love it!

* You can't decide whether to park on a hill in case your starter fails or on the flat in case your handbrake fails.
* You put your coat on as you get INTO your car.
* You keep degreaser in the shower.
* When you borrow your Mums 1litre Vauxhall Corsa it feels like a sports car.
* You get lent to elderly relatives and their friends to get the compost from the garden centre. Two tonnes at a time.
* Your friends all want to ride in your car if you're going less than three miles. If you're travelling more than three miles, they volunteer to walk.
* Your mates laugh at your car when they are pulling you out of a ditch.
"If, whilst driving, you frequently turn down the volume of the stereo .... to check for new noises"
-You stop at a petrol station to top up oil and to check the petrol level
-Your washing machine never gets unemployed
-Your favourite books are the parts catalogue and the reapair operation manual
the wife says its me or that thing she takes one look at you and packs -
* I can trust my husband: if he stays out all night long it's because he's stuck in the forest and not because of another women
* When you don't worry when your hubby says he takes out the Landy for half an hour and he doesn't come back all night long
* When you are buying dark nail varnish only to hide away black marks under the finger nails
* When you ask for "Epsom Green" when buying nail varnish
* When your living room looks like a scrap-yard
* When you find landy-bits all over your place (and I mean: ALL over the place!)
* When your dishwasher dies because of engine oil sediments
* When your house-owner asks you to stop putting Rangie-bits all over the cellar (but you don't know where to put them in the flat - see above)

tonic wrote:

Jan, Don't give up just yet. Got loads more!

Think this could be classed as mental abuse or even torture

What do you call a man who bounces off the walls



Rick O'Shea

I went to see a couple of clairvoyants last week but wasn't impressed with either.

One was depressed and the other couldn't take a joke.

I'm trying to find a happy medium.

Some kids stopped me outside the shop earlier and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us ten Richmond?"

"Sure I will," I replied, taking their money.

On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight

If you like Indian food, try

Tarka Dhal, it's just like normal dhal only a little 'otter...

Magpie wrote:

tonic wrote:

Two tourists were travelling in Wales and stopped for lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.


They said to the waitress "can you pronounce the name of this place very slowly please".


Of course she said....





.........its Buuurrrgerrr Kiiinnnnggg
_________________

Think I'm slowly losing the will to live

I lost it ages ago Jan!!!!!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.?

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.?? It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

I've had bad luck with both my wives.?
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,?
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

You know what I did before I married??
Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.?
Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.?
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'?
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Steve decided to go skiing with his buddy, JK. So they loaded up Steve's people-carrier and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Steve said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, JK got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Steve and asked, 'Steve, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Steve.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Steve said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Steve's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yes, look, I'm sorry mate. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

" To Alcohol,

The cause of, and solution to, all life's problems"

Homer Simpson

What was that Welsh milkman who used to thin the milk down with water called again? Oh..that's it...Dai Lute.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn''t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

The missus bought a Paperback
...down town on Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag;
....T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread?..

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
.....I'm the dominator !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned Fifty Shades of Grey.

tonic wrote:

If you like Indian food, try

Tarka Dhal, it's just like normal dhal only a little 'otter...

How much worse can things get.........?????

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish, so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
...
The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell’s the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope", replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years
ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American
archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper
wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times
saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old
copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, 'The British Archaeological Society of Northern England'
reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the
Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught
amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely **** all. Charlie
has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Subject: Fifty shades of..........

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and
forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.
...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,
softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally
exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.......
.......
.......
.......
.......
.......
.......
.......
.......
.......
"Okay, okay I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard