Follow on from the LRO show

Groans, 437 times

evo4x4 wrote:

Groans, 437 times

and the rest........!

all these jokes are keeping my 91 year old mum going. Thanks.
Sheila

Police have confirmed the arrest of a man who fell into a combine harvester as he was trying to steal it.

He is due to be bailed later today.

and yet more..prepare to groan

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday ....................... but it went off before I could eat it!


A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says: "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


Murphy says to Paddy: "What ya talkin to that envelope for?" -- "I'm sending a voicemail"


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.



An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, an American, an Egyptian, a man from Japan, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Norwegian; an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

Tony is "officially" about to overtake Richie as the leading .............

alright.......last one for today as I'm now going out.

When the girlfriend complained I was spending too much time in the pub, I told her I was drinking as fast as I could.

I have little doubt (which is a great shame) that Richie is merely taking breather. I'm certain these two have more mischief to come. And that's somewhat worrying

evo4x4 wrote:

I have little doubt (which is a great shame) that Richie is merely taking breather. I'm certain these two have more mischief to come. And that's somewhat worrying

Lawd 'elp us guv'nor

Went to a club last night. Sign on the door said " Ties must be worn"

Doorman wouldn't let me in as mine was brand new !

tonic wrote:

Went to a club last night. Sign on the door said " Ties must be worn"

Doorman wouldn't let me in as mine was brand new !

as long as they get them out of the system bofore the rally that's fine.

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Range Rover parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £100,000 Range Rover as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Range Rover into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"

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I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend .

There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.

Ngiri wrote:

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Lol That made me laugh Good one

Last week, Ethel (not her real name, changed to save embarrasment in here !)l checked into a hotel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – (again, name changed as I didn't want to embarass Tonic !) a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled butt... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

I went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco. I asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I seen a `fat bird` running down the road, she had a T-shirt with HIP HOP on, i think the `C` and the `S` had fallen off !!!!

For some reeson, I've never yet won a gaim of skrabel.

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"A man is sitting on the well!"

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.







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(wait for it)







She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

This mustn't be encouraged

I can be bribed into stopping ......
.... donations to www.bmycharity.com/teamtonic2013