Follow on from the LRO show

tonic wrote:

I can be bribed into stopping ......
.... donations to www.bmycharity.com/teamtonic2013

Fundraising at its best!

Married couple staying in a hotel but only have single beds. Husband says,"My little honey bunch, I'm lonely wonely!" She makes her way to his bed but trips over a suitcase. He says, "Oh, did my little honey bunney fall on her nosey wosey? Let me kissey wissie it all betterie wetterie." She gets up and climbs into bed with him and they make passionate love. On her way back to her bed she falls over the suitcase again. Her husband says "Clumsy fat bitch!"

Did you know that there are no TV's in Afghanistan...




... Something to do with the Teleban

Fundraising at its best

Got to agree on that

Now what have I said!!!

Sat down last night,slippers on, tv on, reading the papers when wife said
"Fires going out"
so got up and shut the door after it.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped.....
"They won't let me in without a f-----g tie!”

This morning I went to the Benefits Office to sign my dogs up for any benefits they might be entitled to.


At first the lady at the counter said, "Dogs are not eligible to qualify for benefits."


So I explained to her that "my dogs are mixed in colour, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English

and haven't the faintest clue who their Dads are. They expect me to feed them,

provide them with housing and medical care."


She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.



My dogs get their first benefit cheques next Friday.

Isn't this a great country!!

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Quackers, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:


There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 4-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pop, it was really boring. We didn't see a single ass hole, queer, les bian, piece of sh it, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bas tard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bit ch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

richie wrote:

BIG BIG sigh of relief!

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.
"Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

That's all folks

Well that didn't last long!!!!!!!!!

evo4x4 wrote:

That's all folks

Well that didn't last long!!!!!!!!!

No - set a low standard and failed to achieve it

I really think that some of these are getting better

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
...
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

Man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to him reading a book called " Strange but true sexual facts!"
"Is it interesting ?" he asks
"Yes" she replies..
"For instance , did you know the American red Indian has the longest penis in the world! And the Scotsman has the thickest?" "oh by the way my names Helen, what's yours"?
"Tonto Mc Dougall" he replies.

Richie - Before you start your return from Latvia re the recee, can you please check out the wooden/rope rickety bridge crossing the Daugava river south-east of Riga (dirt track J932; circa 83km marker).

I'm told it's been repaired. Can you check it out? - if I don't hear back from you I know it's not been repaired

just crossed the border, still had to do full vehicle search,




and this is the state of the approach road to the crossing, so isn't looking good



So I will draw tulips to this crossing point, and we can keep it as an option.

looks like fun

That's the wrong 'bridge' Richie - you need to go down-stream 2.3km; the canyon opens out to where it is believed the gorge there has a drop of 700 metres and a span of 0.8km - the clue, from the south-west side, are the many groups of wilting flowers left in remembrance of loved ones. That's the rickety bridge I'd like you to try out

Sorted, as I have a meeting with the local agent re the camp site and meal, I have asked Lynn if she will drive over it to check if it is safe, she has just left, I told her I have taken my tent and my luggage out to lighten the vehicle a bit, well, you never know do you !!!

I was following a tractor on my way in to work this morning, it had banners all over it saying 'the end is nigh' and 'Prepare to meet your maker'


It was Farmer Geddon!

I saw two crisps earlier... I stopped to see if they wanted a lift.....no thanks ..they said.. We're walkers...