Follow on from the LRO show

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg..
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham,her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It
was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People
(HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums
to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and
drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.
And that's the truth.
So help me Google.

Clever!!

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is,by looking for the nail, when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ...... 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

Car 5's penalty points are stacking up - seemingly helped helped by some encouragement from the 2012 Car 20

evo4x4 wrote:

Car 5's penalty points are stacking up - seemingly helped helped by some encouragement from the 2012 Car 20

Who? Moi? Totally innocent m'lord

Magpie wrote:

evo4x4 wrote:

Car 5's penalty points are stacking up - seemingly helped helped by some encouragement from the 2012 Car 20

Who? Moi? Totally innocent m'lord

I'm Not saying another word till my brief gets here!!!!

Mr G - We are fair minded people and will happily listen to any matters your brief wishes to bring to our attention We will then charge you the same rate that your brief charges you for his engagement. We will then convene a meeting of the committee - purely for decorative purposes - to discuss our meeting with your brief and ponder on righting any wrongs We will then publish our findings and a plan of action - both these are off the shelf and have been used many times previously. We will then carry on - unfazed

evo4x4 wrote:

Mr G - We are fair minded people and will happily listen to any matters your brief wishes to bring to our attention We will then charge you the same rate that your brief charges you for his engagement. We will then convene a meeting of the committee - purely for decorative purposes - to discuss our meeting with your brief and ponder on righting any wrongs We will then publish our findings and a plan of action - both these are off the shelf and have been used many times previously. We will then carry on - unfazed

Don't worry Warrick SECM 1 TU will get you out of that one, it's the sort of thing they specialise in just for situations like this.

nickburt wrote:

Don't worry Warrick SECM 1 TU will get you out of that one, it's the sort of thing they specialise in just for situations like this.

Cheers Nick!!!

See this site is now using Google's "context matching" algorithms for more targeted advertising.

Now I get ads for processed meat products whenever I check my spam folder

Tescos' Veggie burgers have been tested and found to contain traces of uniquorn

Just been to the supermarket and bought a bottle of bacardi, a bottle of lambs and some burgers.
So I got white rum, navy rum and red rum.

My doctor has told me to watch I am eating, so I have bought tickets for the Grand National"...

Horses in burgers in Tesco, what next, my Lidl pony

Snow is bad up here, already had two feet of snow

Spoiler:

Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What next - traces of zebras in bar-codes?

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead racoons The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "yes, I'm positive."

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window
My husband is home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had
run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side.
'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.

A school teacher was arrested recently at Heathrow Airport and held by the Anti terrorist police. He was accused of possessing weapons of maths instruction. The unidentified man was carrying a ruler, compass, slide ruler, protractor and calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, the Police commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, said he believed the man was a member of the notorious Al-Gaebra movement. Hogan-Howe went on to say, "Al-Gaebra is a problem for us". The police took the teacher into custody. "They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. Evidently they use secret code names like X and Y and refer to themselves as 'unknowns' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country".

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle." The Police commissioner went on to say, "Teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them with thought processes is dangerous and puts our government at risk."

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank manager to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank manager then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The manager was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The manager then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the manager, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the manager, "I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident manager. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the managers office. She introduced the lawyer to the manager and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the managers balls are square!" The manager agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The manager complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the manager, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The manager said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank managers balls in my hand!"

Like that one

A man died today in an accident in a chocolate factory when hundreds of boxes fell on him. He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted 'the milky bars are on me' everyone just cheered.

yay

richie wrote:

A man died today in an accident in a chocolate factory when hundreds of boxes fell on him. He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted 'the milky bars are on me' everyone just cheered.

And when his mate tried to rescue him,the onlookers sang " Billy Don't be an aero"