Follow on from the LRO show

My missus has asked for something silky for her Birthday. No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong bloody colour

An 80 year old lady had been caught shoplifting in the local Tesco.

when she appeared i front of the magistrate, she admitted the theft, and when asked what she had stolen, she replied a tin of peaches sir, she was asked why, because I was hungry sir. The magistrate asked how many peaches were in the can, six sir was the lady's reply, well then, you will have to go to jail for six days then, on that, her husband stood up[, and asked could he speak, the magistrates said yes he could, he then said, she also stole a large can of peas as well !

One or two made me chuckle, but Richie is not like a good wine, he does not improve with age it seems

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral a voice from inside shouts, "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, paperwork's already done

There was a bit of confusion at the supermarket this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said,

“Strip down facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to my MP about the way I was being treated, I did just as she had instructed when the hysterical shrieking and security alarms finally subsided; I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future...

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

When Richie last went to the doctors, he was asked to 'strip to the waist'

so he took his trousers off

Don't you start too ...............

Good picture of Bolt crossing the finish line.

worth a gold medal

Spoiler:

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Tony - Are you & Richie related in any way?

Not two of them!! This is seriously worrying - it's obviously contagious. Hope it doesn't spread any further, whatever it is..........

Where's Doc when you need him?

I'll be having a clinic at P'Boro .. Have those nice jackets with the long arms that do up at the back ready!

OMG....................... these are getting worse.

Thanks Doc - and bring plenty of them; I fear that there may be an epidemic developing

Book Richie in for the 0830hrs slot; you'll need an hour or so to recover then Tony Tonic at 1000hrs.

The less affected we can arrange on the day

Tim Vine has some serious competition!!

Went home with a mate last night after the pub,for a nightcap and found his wife had left a note on the fridge, it read "It's no use it's not working, have gone to stay at my mothers, goodbye".
Well he opened the fridge door, the light came on, it was plugged in and the motor was humming away nicely and the temperature was a steady 2 degrees celcius.... so we don't know what the hell she was on about.!

A ventriloquist starts goin through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected!" The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts,
"You stay out of this, I'm talking to that little wanker on your knee!!!"

My best friend died of heartburn today! Cant believe Gav is gone!

I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasn't suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldn't cut it as barber, didn't have the patience to be a doctor, didn't fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.

Note to self MUST NOT take things so literally in future. The wife is a massive eBayer, she’d had a big roll of bubble wrap for parcel wrapping delivered to our house, as I was coming through the door. Being all chivalrous I offered to carry it in for her. When I asked where she wanted it, she said just pop it in the corner. It took me three hours! (sorry) Have a great weekend.

A "paraprosdokian" is a phrase or sentence that leads us down the garden
path to an unexpected ending.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian.


1. Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8.The Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit - "the target".

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives

Well certainly an improvement on your previous posts

Just a few more !



I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have
the balls to do it.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it
came back to me.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off
the Grass'.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the
time.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes
bends.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on
words.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and
their noses run.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.



The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.

I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could
get thinner there.

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to
conduct itself.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end
of his sentence.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe
in higher powers.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help
me.



What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out
a little whine.



If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't
stand behind.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the
point?

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my
kleptomania.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A
brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip
monk,' he replies.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says
I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-
salted.