Follow on from the LRO show

Richie's Medical Dictionary

Artery.... The study of paintings
Bacteria..............Back door to the cafeteria.
Barium...................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign..............What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan.................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................A sheep dog.
Coma............A punctuation mark.
Dilate....................To live long.
Enema....................Not a friend.
Fester..........Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.....................A small lie.
Impotent................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..................A higher offer.
Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.
Node......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pelvis...................... Irish Cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum...................Nearly killed him.
Secretion................Hiding something.
Seizure.....Roman emperor.
Tablet...................A small table.
Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour...................One plus one more.
Urine....................Opposite of you're out.
2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure

Do they get worse, or is it just me?

They get worse; it has nothing to do with too much Morrocan sun

landie68rover wrote:

Do they get worse, or is it just me?

No it's not you - they definitely get worse!
Worrying thing is that there are another 6 months before the off.......who knows how much worse they will get???
Scary!

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it !

Merry Christmas !!!

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of ...this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

To everyone else – have a safe and Merry Christmas !

Blatantly stolen, I didn't write it lol

Points to ponder
What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman
talks dirty to a man, it's £3.95 per minute.

Points to ponder Not sure 'ponder' is the word that readily springs to mind

evo4x4 wrote:

Points to ponder Not sure 'ponder' is the word that readily springs to mind

Quite agree! Forget, dismiss, ignore come to mind more easily

woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark...in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie...

A guy gets into a taxi after a boozy night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy cigarettes. He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the pavement stopping just short of a brick wall.

All was quiet for a few moments and then the driver turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder whilst I'm driving EVER again". The guy says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much"

The driver replies, "It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a Hearse....

Magpie wrote:

landie68rover wrote:

Do they get worse, or is it just me?

No it's not you - they definitely get worse!
Worrying thing is that there are another 6 months before the off.......who knows how much worse they will get???
Scary!

Well Richie, after some of these adverse comments, I think you should stop posting your attempts at humour and bring this thread to a close!

What a brilliant idea!! I'll go along with that!
Merry Christmas!

Due to popular demand. One last one!

Who'd have thought the Credit Crunch would save the world?

Four days left on the Mayan calendar, and the Comet has been destroyed

I agree Tony




Two netball teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Sydney. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus while the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered... "Yeah, but youve got a driver"

OK, may be just one more !!


A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10%, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before.

... But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was lying dead on their porch...

OK, may be just one more !!

Is that a promise? Although in my heart I know the answer

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

evo4x4 wrote:

OK, may be just one more !!

Is that a promise? Although in my heart I know the answer

I think I know the answer too and it's not encouraging

Went to see grandad, who's been suffering with a bad back. Used that age old remedy and covered him in goose grease.
Since then he's gone downhill quickly!

Take Heed if out tonight ...

There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
... When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts
"No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts
"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage
" OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............

"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "

It seems Richie has not improved for 2013. He still owes me 2 pipe cleaners from 2012, it leads me to think of the interest rate. Maybe his silence

landie68rover wrote:

It seems Richie has not improved for 2013. He still owes me 2 pipe cleaners from 2012, it leads me to think of the interest rate. Maybe his silence

Don't think he knows xmas is over either judging by the greetings still appearing on his posts.......


Sorted thank you for reminder