Follow on from the LRO show

The old ones are the best lol....




Something to hopefully bring a smile to your face . . .

I'm amazed how much dishonesty there has been in the 2012 Olympics already.There's a swimmer being tested for drugs, badminton players throwing games ...I'm starting to doubt it really was the queen jumping out of that helicopter.




· The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


· A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....


· I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


· My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


· I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


· I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


· I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.


· Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


· My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


· Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


· Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”


· I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


· I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


· A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.


· I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.


· The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


· The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through

the change."


· When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have

to reverse the bloomin thing


· Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


· Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


· A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked


· Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service It's the way I tell em .

Oh no - he's off again!!

Although I have to admit, it was a good start to the day

Groan ...................

Someone get Richie his coat!!!!!!!

Is that the nice white canvas one,that buckles up at the back and you hug yourself all day long??????

Shouldn't he be doing something more useful with his time??

Magpie wrote:

Shouldn't he be doing something more useful with his time??

I am, we are devising an even more devious route for next year, Oh how nice the Balkans look.

I thought these are a bit better than normal

just what I needed after a harrowing day at the hospital; they cheered me up thanks Richie. Sheila

I went into the glazier's earlier and the salesman asked me if I wanted any help, I said no I am window shopping

"Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

As I emerged from a blissful dream of living a stress free life far away on a beautiful tropical island, I was amazed and a little spooked to hear my wife ask "Got any regrets?"
Still not completely awake, I decided to be wholeheartedly honest & blunt with her and replied "I regret answering that lonely hearts ad, I was due to go on holiday my mates,
I'd been offered a chance to do some DJ'ing in a club in Ibiza, but went out with you instead" I continued. "I regret buying a house together, my mate wanted me to go into a business partnership with him with the money I had, he's now a multimillionaire."Finally I said "I regret getting married & having kids. My dreams of travelling to all four corners of this wonderful planet were shattered when my increasingly overbearing nagging wife gave birth to twins that need 24/7 attention"She looked at me aghast, then replied chokily

"I said cigarettes, not regrets you evil bastard"

for once that made me smile!!!!!

Just don't let Richie out on his own.....he might get arrested
..............but then on second thoughts ...... would be easy to find a replacement marshall

Magpie wrote:

Just don't let Richie out on his own.....he might get arrested
..............but then on second thoughts ...... would be easy to find a replacement marshall

he needs a minder at the least.

Can it get worse? I regret the answer is probably 'Yes'!

evo4x4 wrote:

Can it get worse? I regret the answer is probably 'Yes'!

Undoubtedly....

Asked Mike to pass me a newspaper, he said "Dad get into the twenty first century, here use my Ipod, That bloody fly didn't know what hit it

richie wrote:

Asked Mike to pass me a newspaper, he said "Dad get into the twenty first century, here use my Ipod, That bloody fly didn't know what hit it

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Now on sale at IKEA - LES BIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says
I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.

An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere is South America.They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. "Well" said the barman "that is there for the taking for anyone who can 1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes 2:Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot. 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman". What happens if we fail they enquired. "If ye fail and survive", the barman said, "ye'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe". Despite the risks they said they would try it. The englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold. The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself. The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are the most spinecurdling screams and shouts coming from the cage which lasts all of ten minutes.There is banging up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - "now" he says " where is that lady with the thorn in her foot"

My mate Patrick just phoned me, he has been on holiday to Estonia while he was there he bought a motorbike, he wants to know how to convert it from left hand drive to right hand drive.. Any ideas .....

Keith, as our caring, compassionate, helpful organiser you have to do something about this man!!
I fear he has lost the plot along with everything else....

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger... In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID...' BRING POSSE'"

Gutted :-( As I only work part-time I had a weekend job at an amusement park to help ends meet. I've just been given the sack for being 5 minutes late which I think is a bit harsh. I fully intend to take them to an industrial tribunal for funfair dismissal!