leading up to H4H Rallly 2015

LOL the joke (I think).

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Did you know that a candle flame smells like burnt nose hair?  

Harry & Tom had played golf with each other for many years, one day, harry passed away. Tom tried for weeks to go back on the course, but didn't work, he got as far as the clubhouse, and that was it, he had a few beers and just thought of his mate harry. One day, in the bar, he heard a voice saying, Tom, is that you, Tom, went holly ^&*(^&* that's Harry's voice, Harry is that you, yes mate, your dead, yep. that's right mate, just had to get hold of you with some good news, but some sad news as well.

Go mate, what's the good news, well Tom, up here, you can play goldf all day, free, they supply the clubs, the balls, every thing, and they are the most beautiful greens to will ever see, and I have been drawn to play in the knock-out on Friday. That's good says Tom, great news, what's the bad news then mate ?. I'm drawn to play you mate !!!!!

Fred was shot down over Germany in the war, and ended up in a POW camp. He was well looked after, but sadly, contracted an illness which meant that he had to have his right leg off. The surgeon went to see him to explain, Fred was distraught, he said , what will I do, with only one leg, I wont be able to fly again. The surgeon told him about Baden, and said, he flies, and he had two legs off, and still ia able to fly a spitfire, Fred thought, Oh great, that's OK, but asked, can you do me a favour, when the leg is off, can you get the Red Cross to send it home, so it can be buried in my village, of course we will Fred says the surgeon, and off the leg came. All was well for a few weeks, but Fred was ill again, and he was told his left leg would be off soon. Again, he was worried, but the surgeon reminded him of Douglas Baden, Fred said that's OK whip it off, but please, will you do the same, get the Red Cross to send it home and bury it with my right leg. Of course we will Fred, and the op went ahead. Some weeks later, Fred wasn't at all well, the surgeon spoke to him, and said, sorry Fred, but your right arm has to come off, Oh hell says Fred, OK but again, do the same, send it back home please. we have a problem there, and the SS want to talk to you about that. The chap from the SS came, and told Fred, that when his right arm is taken off, they can't send it home, as they believe he is trying to escape, bit by bit !

Tommy Cooper was asked one day what he did before he went on stage, he said he was a teacher, the interviewer asked him what was the most strange day you had as a teacher.  well he said, on the first day in class, I asked the children, who tore down the walls of Jericho, quick as a flash, little Billy Jones stepped up, and said , well it wasn't me, and I don't know who it was.  I thought that was a bit strange.  Later that day, in the staff room, another teacher asked me how I was getting on, and I told him about what little Billy had said, he said, well to be honest, Billy wouldn't lie if he knew who it was, and he would certainly not have been the one to pull the wall down.  Well, I was stumped, what sort of school was this.  Just before going home, I met the Head Master, and he asked how the day had gone, so, I told him about Billy, and about the teacher, whom I thought was a strange answer, the head master said don't worry about it, I'll get on to environmental, and have the wall rebuilt !!  

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.

They stopped.

George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"

She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"

George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"

Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

An insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

Would You marry Again ?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence –

HUSBAND:
"Shit."