leading up to H4H Rallly 2015

I was out shopping with the wife earlier.
A woman came out of Iceland and a box of frozen fish fell out of her bag and dropped onto the floor.
So I picked it up and put it into our shopping bag.
The wife said "That doesn't belong to us, give it back to that lady".
"Findus Kippers", I replied.

This is a frightening statistic, probably one of the most worrisome in recent years.

Apparently, 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary; it means that 75% are running around untreated...
  

tonic wrote:

This is a frightening statistic, probably one of the most worrisome in recent years.

Apparently, 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary; it means that 75% are running around untreated...
  

    

A group of mates, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for
lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the
beer was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and
it was good value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet
for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge
because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilets for
the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet
for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge
because they had never been there before.

Very good Tony. Sad to say I had a chuckle at that   

The following text message appeared on a man's iPhone from his
next-door neighbor:


"I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping
your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live
with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my
promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.















A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn auto correct. I meant
'wifi' not 'wife.'"
  

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!  

A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from BUPA

A man gets into a big argument with his wife so he decides to head up to the local bar and have a drink or two while she cools off. He runs into a few friends and they start celebrating and talking about the good ol’ days.

Several hours quickly pass and he decides its getting late and he better start heading home.

He goes to get off the bar stool to leave and falls flat on his face. He makes several attempts to get up but can’t seem to get on his feet.

He thinks to himself that he must’ve really over done it this time to be so drunk he cant even stand. He looks around and luckily no one has noticed his drunken display so he crawls out of the bar where he still cant seem to pull himself together.

He figures the hell with it, its only a few blocks to his house so he just crawls home and gently slides into bed as not to disturb his sleeping wife.

The next morning he awakes with this feeling of piercing eyes upon him when he notices his wife standing at the foot of the bed with her arms crossed and obviously upset.

He mutters out a “Good morning, honey” to which she angrily replies “You were out at the bar all night getting drunk, weren’t you?”

He quickly rolls over and begins to plead with her, “Of course not honey, I wouldn’t do that. I was here in bed with you most of night. Why in the world would you say that?”

She rolls her eyes and replies, “Because the bar called, you forgot your wheelchair again!!!”

Not very funny............. in poor taste I think

Myself and Richie went to a baker's shop.
Richie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice

Richie says to me :

"You’ll never beat that!"


I said to Richie :

"Watch and learn!"


I said to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The baker gave me the biscuit which I promptly ate.

Then I said to the baker:

"Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to me.

I eat this one too.

Then I say again:

"Give me one more biscuit."

The baker is getting angry now but gives me one anyway.

I eat this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and yells:

"Where's your famous magic trick?"

I say:

"Look in Richie's pocket!"


  

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and Oi've just wet mine."   

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons...............











........ I drink it for other reasons.
  

Alex Salmond walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque: As he approaches
the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque
for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Salmond:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Alex Salmond, the leader of the Scottish National Party and First Minister of Scotland!!!"

Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and
monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Salmond: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Salmond, but these are the bank rules and I must
follow them."

Salmond :"C'mon lassie . I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Mr. Salmond, here is an example of what we can do.

One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger
Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis
racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.

So, Mr. Salmond, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?

Salmond stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Mr. Salmond?

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"  

I was beaten up today by a young woman.
I was in a lift when a very shapely young lady got in.
I was busy looking at her figure, when she said
" Will you please press 1 "
I did and don't remember much more, am told my injuries will heal
  

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 1st May 2014

From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be:


'Euro-nating'.

Thank you for your attention

Blonde

During a flight from Manchester to New York a young blonde women get up from her seat in economy collects all her things and moves into first class.
The flight attendant asks to see her ticket and tells her she will have to go back to economy as she holds an economy ticket.
The woman say  “I am blonde, young and beautiful and I am going to New York and I am not moving so there”
At this the attendant goes to the cockpit and explains it to the captain. The first officer say don't worry I will take care of this.
He goes to the woman and explains that she cannot sit in first class as she only has a economy ticket.
The woman say  “I am blonde, young and beautiful and I am going to New York and I am not moving so there”
The first officer reports back to the attendant and the captain that he has failed to move the women back to economy .
“Leave this to me” says the captain “I married a blonde, I speak blonde”
With these words he goes back to first clase bends down and whispers into the blondes ear who say “Oh OK” gets up gets her things and returns to economy.
How did you do that asks the first officer and flight attendant in amazement.
“Simple” says the captain “ I told her that the first class was not stopping at New York”

Glad this doesn't apply on here !!

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "lights bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and change their own light bulbs
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that Barak O. isn't the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
  

Ha, love it - sounds like a couple of forums I know ...

Who wears the pants?  

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President's Secret Service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, "Why was he so interested in talking to you?" She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, "So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant," to which Michelle responded, "No. If I had married him, he would now be the President of the United States."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'  

Peter, that joke is nearly as old as me!!  

Magpie, as the great sage, Keneth Dod sayeth "The old ones are always the best"  

Minnehaha1 wrote:

Magpie, as the great sage, Keneth Dod sayeth "The old ones are always the best"  

Peter, are you talking about me or the joke (think carefully before you reply!!)