leading up to H4H Rallly 2015

Paddy goes for a job interview at a Chemical Factory. The manager asks him,"Have you ever worked with Chemicals before?"..."Yes," replies Paddy. The manager then asks him,"Do you know what Nitrate is?"Paddy answers,"Well I'll be hoping it's time and a half."

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." 

Just been looking at a nativity scene and I can't help thinking how it reminds me of the Jeremy Kyle show - a mother, a baby, loads of hangers on and some bloke who isn't the father.

With christmas upon us, I would like to share a personal experience about drink/driving.
Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by some rather nice single malt.
Though feeling jolly, I still had the presence of mind to realise that I may have been slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I'd never done before - I took a bus home.
Sure enough on the way home, I saw a police roadside check point, testing for drink/drivers. However, because it was a bus, they waved it past and I arrived home safely and without incident.
This was really amazing as I had never driven a bus before, and I don't even know where I got it from! Now it's on my drive and I cant get out for the damn thing

As I checked out of The Grand Hotel I was asked by the receptionist if I'd answer a short survey.
"How did you find the facilities here?" she asked.
"Brilliant!" I replied. "Automatic lights, self adjusting shower, 60 inch plasma TV and state-of-the-art spa. It's all so science fiction."
"And would you like to stay here in the future?"

"My God!" I said. "Don't tell me you've got a time machine too."

Some seasonal groans

What does santa do for the rest of the year
spends it in the garden going Hoe,Hoe,Hoe

What do reindeers hang on the tree
Horn-aments

Why did santa's helper see the doctor
'cos he had low 'elf-esteem

What do you get if you eat xmas decorations
tinsilitus

what do angry mice send each other
cross mouse cards

what did santa's helpers learn at school
the elf-abet

where do the fat elves go
to the elf-farm

  

Groan ..............

Just looked out of the window, and saw it was wet out there.
said to the missus " Looks like rain dear"
   

Even a bigger groan than Nick's............  

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from London fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Manchester reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The man from Cornwall started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Cornishman replied, 'These are Carol's.'
    

First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150."

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son,

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that:-

Samson had long hair,

John the Baptist had long hair,

Moses had long hair,

and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

Quick as a flash, his Dad replied
                     

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

I think this is more for the older members of the Rally like myself - sorry but I've forgotten who you are   


He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates & having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower & the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No?
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear & trepidation he picked up the phone & called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?

"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.


Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!

1981 & 2005 – Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married,
someone should warn the Pope.

On a beautiful summer's day, two tourists were driving throughWales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch,

they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'............

The girl leaned over and said,

'Burrr … gurrr … king'

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty. So when I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, and never once saw her in it, the lying cow...... She still hasn't come home yet and I'm starving....!!!!

answered the door and said, "Not again, you came last Christmas. Here's a fiver, now clear off, and shut the gate on your way out." Slamming the door behind me.

My wife shouted, "Dave, stop being horrible to the carol singers, they're only raising money for charity."

I said, "It wasn't them, it was your [difflock] Mother."

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know

When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors

Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word.

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt
and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to
order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom,
then answers, "A quickie."



The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her
composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie,
please."



This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across
the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away



A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think
it's pronounced 'quiche'."
  

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.