leading up to H4H Rallly 2015

    

Nick - The old ones are the best ................

Such kind words and very much appreciated   

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on The even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer Said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your Car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer Says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?" Then the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
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A panda goes into a restaurant, orders a meal, eats it, but when the waiter brings the bill, pulls out a gun, fires it into the air and rushes out of the building.


The manager cannot understand this behaviour, so looks up panda in the encyclopaedia.




There he finds this: A panda eats shoots and leaves.

My wife phoned to ask what we needed from the shop.
I said "Beer"
" No we don't" she moaned, " What do we really want.

I replied " Bleach, I suppose"
If she wont let me drink, I might as well kill myself.

I was in a restaurant with my blind date last night when I asked, "Would you like to see me as a baby?"

"Yeah, go on then." she smiled.

I then rubbed food all over my face and started crying.

Nelson at Trafalgar 2013


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning
of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): „ England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting „ England " past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full
speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir.. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

Two Essex girls decide to go for a trip to Disneyland Paris.
Once in france they follow the signs to Disneyland,
eventually they come to one that says Disneyland left,
at which point they burst into tears and turn back for home!  

Waiting at a bus stop, was a very attractive young lady in a very tight skirt. When the bus arrived ,she attempted to step up onto the platform but her skirt was too tight for her to lift her leg. Looking sheepish,she reached behind herself to undo the zip a little to give her more freedom to lift her leg.Again she attempted the step , but again couldn’t lift her leg, so once again she reached behind to undo the zip a little more, and tried again. Once again she still couldn’t lift her leg and so .yet again ,reached behind her to unzip a bit more.Yet again her attempt to board was in vain.
Standing behind her was a burly strong man, who having witnessed the problem, lifted her up and placed her on the bus.
Rather than being pleased, the young lady turned on him and berated him saying, How dare you touch my body, invade my privacy and manhandle me.
The man replied
‘lady, I would normally agree with you, but as you’ve just unzipped my fly three times. I thought we kinda knew each other now”

The difference between Officers and SNCOs

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.


The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'




'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...
At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??"
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi...
The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

A man arrived home from work one evening to find his wife sitting on the sofa in a dimly lit living room.
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the exposed cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her and smiled.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?"
"Uh ... No, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively lifted her blouse slightly and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note that was tucked into the waist band of her pants.
He took the crumpled fifty pound note, mind filled with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen £25,000 all crumpled up?"
"Wow ... No, but I'd love to,"  he said, while becoming extremely attentive.  To which she replied, “
Well, go look in the garage."

A mother was making pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5 and Ryan 3
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson...
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Quick as a flash, Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan, you can be Jesus !'


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

 

Oh dear - the storm clouds are gathering. The number of 'authors' of 'jokes' is increasing and worryingly, the standards are decreasing  Not that they were very high in the first instance!!  

Yesterday I was at my local Pets at home store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

That's not very nice Tony    
I always thought you were a gentleman too..........

A 'gentleman' - Tony?????? - now that's the best joke that's been posted on here    

evo4x4 wrote:

A 'gentleman' - Tony?????? - now that's the best joke that's been posted on here    

That's quite a compliment from you Keith - thank you!   

Err. Excuse me, but I'll have you know, I've been told I'm a man (yes !!) and that I'm very gentle !! 

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...

.. "The balcony."