leading up to H4H Rallly 2015

Where does he get them from?  It's a question to myself - I'm not looking for forum answers!!  

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar....... Could be a Chinese Wispa. 

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow,Ooh said the presenter''This is a very rare set,produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists of London,who operated at the turn of the last Century,do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition???''
''Sticks??'' Paddy replied!!!!!!  

A new supermarket opened in Town, It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh, Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut Hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurts.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Amstel beer.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore...

Just asked the wife to take her knickers off, she went mental, asked why, called me all sorts of names, I said, I just need to stop the draught coming through the lounge door !!!

Now I do keep up with the news pretty well so I know that for some time we have had British troops defending Hellmans. So the product must be in high demand! Now Dave and George have decided to pull out of this business because the Hellmans factory is apparently full of desert rats. (Where are the health inspectors when you really need them?). They are obviously getting rid of remaining stock pdq and who could blame them.

Latest reports on the dear old Beeb have told us that the government is now selling shares of Raw Mayo and folk have been clamouring for it! Some folk have asked for a 750 pound share of this Raw Mayo and they will get some. Those who were greedy and wanted more than a 10,000 pound share will get none! Serves them right! How many egg sandwiches could you make with over 4 tonnes of the stuff?

Personally, I prefer salad cream anyway...
 

This post is going downhill FAST

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Want to hear a
blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde,
the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

A Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man
leaning against the wall...

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant...

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant...

"You idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough
with laxatives"...

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too
scared to cough"...

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
...............................................................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft beggar!"
.............................................................................

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous but sometimes an anti-climax


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put  'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to K MART)

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is  boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

Welcome Jan, to the mad club. I just knew you would succumb
   

tonic wrote:

Welcome Jan, to the mad club. I just knew you would succumb
   

If you can't beat them............

Jan,
love them!
I am as sane as the next person, I have a certificate to prove it!

Fell asleep on the chair and i've just woke up and somebody has put a teabag in my mouth i'm not happy, hate being treated like a mug.. 

I think I'm the mug for even reading Mr H's post  

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter,
"This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who
operated in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

My wife said, "How on Earth are we going to use nine percent less gas?"

"You can stop burning my tea for a start." I replied.

Mrs Brown's Boys

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods..Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he
was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her
shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see
the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his
story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane
helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same
thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil
rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

The old ones are the best ................

.


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it