Jokes : post em up

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent..
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably=2 0loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious..

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Enjoy...

I believe aw that...................

just remembering oor wee snowey and his brakes...........

future RAF ground crew
(sponsered by osama?)

anon

After a President in the U.S.A. has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled Obama as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the Vice President, and he too was unable to decode the
message. They called in the Chief of Staff and the Head of Secret Service
detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he
called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were
mystified by the meaning of the coded message. Now there was complete panic in
the oval office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent
copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up
with an answer a special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in,
and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama
picked up the phone and called the former president, and
asked him the meaning of the note.







Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude .............You're holding it upside down!'

Hope that ye dinna mine, I have coppied them onto my site Nick.

BOFA Bill wrote:

I believe aw that...................

just remembering oor wee snowey and his brakes...........

future RAF ground crew
(sponsered by osama?)

anon

AIR CREW!!! not ground!! i wanna be inside the aircraft incharge of important things!! im more clever than i act!

BOFA Bill wrote:

Hope that ye dinna mine, I have coppied them onto my site Nick.

No worries, I knicked from another forum or two - have a repatoir of 'em ....

WARNING




Over the last month I became the victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into my local Tesco for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Morrisons in Chingford. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also September 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So be warned!


P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look much nicer .

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says.

"We'll have a new one."

Ach ah dinna believe it for sure.

Whar wid they get thon extra 4p frae then?????

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs…
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can’t Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD}Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up !

URGENT MEDICAL ALERT

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from all around the area of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and take some Ibuprofen (seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu).


Others are reporting a McDonald's Big Breakfast can help in some cases.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.
Complications can include odd cravings for chocolate and crisps and adverse responses to bright light and noise resulting in a lack of sense of humour.
In rare cases, it has been known for Wine Flu victims to self certify a Monday off work due to the severity of the symptoms.
Some patients have found a further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to alleviate the symptoms temporarily.

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S



Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
Boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :


Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is
Considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
Husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our
Surveillance cameras:

1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
Trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
Intervals.

3. July 7th: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
Products aisle.

4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14th: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15th: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
Told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
Gas stove.

7. September 23rd: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
Began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4th: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
Mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10th: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
Antidepressants were.

10. November 3rd: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6th: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
Using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21st: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
The foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And last, but not least:

14. November 23rd: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
Then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

I feel a trip to Tesco's coming on

Paul_H wrote:

I feel a trip to Tesco's coming on

tick sheet, who can do the most before being thrown out!! haha

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'Ere my ansum you sound like you do come from Cornwall?'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes I do my luvver, Cornish and proud of it!'

The first guy says, 'Well oggee, oggee, oggee! So am I! A proud man of Cornwall meself. And where about from Cornwall do ee come from ?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Camborne, I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So be I!'

'Oh my Gar! And where abouts did you live then ?'

The other guy says, 'Twas rare yo, ansum place, called Dolcoath Avenue'

The first guy says, 'Well I'll be blawed! Tes a small world. Me too yo! Me too! And what school did ee go to then?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to Camborne school, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'Well, bless my soul! And I did! So when did you leave'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I left in 1964, and went to work at Holmans.'

The first guy exclaims, 'Would you b'lieve that! Fancy us being in the same bar tonight! Can you believe it? I left Camborne school in 1964 an went to work at Holman's too!'

About this time, Demelza walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Demelza, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Demelza asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Trelawney twins are pissed again.'

ITALIAN BOY at CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?


"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

The Theory of Intelligence


A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest at the back of the herd that are killed first. This process of natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general health and speed of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only work as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it kills the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weakest and slowest brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that my friends, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

All was not well in the kingdom of Asgard.

Thor, God of Thunder was in a foul mood, stomping around and
banging his hammer and growling to himself.

Thor's father, Odin, enquired as to the reason behind Thor's mood.
Thor replied sheepishly that he had not had sex for at least six
months, and was feeling frustrated and super-humanly horny.

"That's easy to fix", said Odin, "just get yourself down to Earth,
find a nice girl and satisfy your needs - but be very careful!
Remember that you are a god, and that humans are mere mortals who
will not be used to the incredibly energetic sex that we god's
enjoy.

A smile spread across Thor's face as he picked up his hammer and
set off toward Earth.

On Earth Thor headed for the nearest bar in search of his dream
date. He came upon an attractive young lady sitting alone at the
bar and offered to buy her a drink,

"Yeth pleath", she replied "that would be tho nith"

Thor was curious about the way the girl spoke - "What tongue is
that which you speak young woman ?, I have heard it not before."

"It'th Englith thilly" she retorted "I jutht have a thlight lithp,
thath all !"

More drink flowed, one thing led to another and Thor was invited
back to the girls place, where they had sex thirty seven times.
With his appetite satiated and the girl exhausted and fast asleep,
Thor quietly picked up his mighty hammer and returned to Asgard.

"Well Thor", enquired Odin, "How did your little trip to Earth
go ?"

"Oh father", replied the happy Thor "It was marvellous - thirty
seven times we did it!! Thirty seven times !"

Odin was horrified "You berk Thor - I warned you that humans were
not able to cope with the incredible sexual prowess of we gods -
you had best get yourself back down to Earth and check that the
young lady has survived the ordeal !"

Thor left sheepishly and returned to Earth where, luckily, he
found the young lady in the bar where they had originally met.

"Many thanks for last night young lady - it was incredible, oh,
by the way, I'm Thor."

Shifting uncomfortably on her bar stool the girl replied "Your
thor, Oh! I'm tho thorry! ....I can hardly take a pith!"

In honour of the earlier Quantas post... here are a few others...

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Enjoy!

Skibum

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her ’Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet...

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's' pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!