Follow on from the LRO show

A frog goes into a bank and
approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia
Whack.
...

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get
a £30,000 loan to take a
holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in
disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank
manager.

Patty explains that he will
need to secure the loan with
some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have
this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains
that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and
says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants
to borrow £30,000, and he
wants to use this as
collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?"The bank manager looks back
at her and says.
"It's a knickknack, Patty
Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling
Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?
Yeah, I know you are..)
Never take life too seriously!
Come on now, you grinned, I
know you did!

>
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could
take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any
money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open.

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.
''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove
all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I
will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back
and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my
electricity this morning."

He's back!!!! Who let him out?

evo4x4 wrote:

He's back!!!! Who let him out?

Don't know but whoever it is should be shot!

As Richie seems to be getting bad press on here, merely for trying to spread a little happiness ? I thought I had better come to his defence and help him out again. so here goes.............

A guy, whilst walking in the woods came across an old bottle, which he picked up and gave a rub and yes the genie appeared, After thanking the guy for releasing him, the genie offered him a wish. The guy said, I'd love to go and see my brother in Ireland, but I am terrified of flying and I can't abide boats. Could you build me a bridge so that I can drive over. The genie thought for a minute and then said that is a big ask, even for me,Isn't there anything else you want,
After a moments pause the guy said, " Yes, I'd like to understand my wife"
The genie immediately replied
" We'll need 300,000 tons of concrete, 10,000 miles of steel wire, 10,0000 yards of......"

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"


The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"























Tony why are you scrolling down for? It's your turn to say something.

...and the old fart said...
"Tony why are you scrolling down for? It's your turn to say something."

Management Lesson 1:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

...The priest nearly had an accident.

After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Management Lesson 2:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
...
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves..

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Management Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

...The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Management Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

...The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Welcome back Richie - You've been missed

Management Lesson 5


A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

...'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

As organisers (the friendly, caring, compassionate, understanding, sympathetic and kindly type ) we note this is not the first occasion where you have been seen to 'encourage' Richie.

The 'committee' has met tonight to discuss this worrying development in an attempt to analyse the reasoning for your support to one of our 'senior' marshals. We conclude your overt support relates to a subliminal plan that Richie will be kind to you on the actual rally itself and thus award you top marks for the sections where he is i/c.

It is most unlikely that, by June, Richie will be able to remember any verbal or written rebuke given to you; in fact he is more likely to give you top marks. Thus, our only recourse is to penalise you at this juncture.

In anticipation, we thank you for your understanding; and hope that no further intervention will be required by us.

June, !!! whats happening in June ?

On 29th June we all meet at a secret location; see you there

evo4x4 wrote:

On 29th June we all meet at a secret location; see you there

Is that the place in Poland that we disussed ?

The train from Marseille was crowded, and a war-weary U.S. Marine, on leave from Afghanistan walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The tired Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular' Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat..'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm really very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.

True Love.

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches.."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,

and she replied that she was hungry.


The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up

and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

richie wrote:

evo4x4 wrote:

On 29th June we all meet at a secret location; see you there

Is that the place in Poland that we disussed ?

What happend to Paris .....

evo4x4 wrote:

As organisers (the friendly, caring, compassionate, understanding, sympathetic and kindly type ) we note this is not the first occasion where you have been seen to 'encourage' Richie.

The 'committee' has met tonight to discuss this worrying development in an attempt to analyse the reasoning for your support to one of our 'senior' marshals. We conclude your overt support relates to a subliminal plan that Richie will be kind to you on the actual rally itself and thus award you top marks for the sections where he is i/c.

It is most unlikely that, by June, Richie will be able to remember any verbal or written rebuke given to you; in fact he is more likely to give you top marks. Thus, our only recourse is to penalise you at this juncture.

In anticipation, we thank you for your understanding; and hope that no further intervention will be required by us.

Does this mean I'm in the lead on the penalty points table then

Simon

Simon - Will let you know on 15th June

Nick - Told you not to mention Paris. Now Richie is going to ask me about Paris - I'll have to make soemthing up (unusual for me ) and hope he takes the bait

Guess I shouldn't say anything about Rome either then.

Wish people would stop reading these pms .....