Follow on from the LRO show

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking
For some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Tony woke up to find himself next
to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to
Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit's pond.
Looks like frog's porn to me.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Sometimes you just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady.
2 minutes later she said, "Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!"

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes....
I ( Wait for it........ )

Think they were just Hovis Witnesses.

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I decided to join a fitness club and start exercising. I enrolled in a 'seniors' aerobics class.
I bent,twisted,gyrated,jumped up and down and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

I was watching my wife about to throw herself off a cliff when she shouted "You drove me to this."Just as well, I thought, or she would still be reversing out the garage.

But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over

Sorry, this 'vision' of Tonic in his leotard has just upset me. Just hope I feel better tomorrow

Time to lock this topic me thinks .......

nickburt wrote:

Time to lock this topic me thinks .......

OH YES!!!!!!

Joliet Jake wrote:

nickburt wrote:

Time to lock this topic me thinks .......

OH YES!!!!!!

Well in that case, let's go out with a few more groans

Been studying plans of early Landrovers, to see how they were built. Riveting .

Went to a high class restaurant last night. Had the pelican. It was OK but the bill was enormous.

Watched 3 DVDs back to back with my girlfriend. Good job I was the one facing the tele.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.... I don't know Y

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'


Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'


After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.


On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.


'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but moan since you've been here.'

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled
by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer
look.

'That sure is a nice fire engine, the firefighter said with
admiration... 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a
little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to
the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then
I wouldn't have a siren.'

With Christmas coming I thought !!


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money,
I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4.00 missing.




I think it might have been those b****ds at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers." He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in
the back of the van.." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Tonic, have we got time for some more ?

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country, and the politicians who run it!


BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES

NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN

AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Last one. I promise !

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to B&Q
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to B&Q to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to B&Q
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to B&Q until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to B&Q. Go to Asda instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a B&Q? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
_________________

I have to admit - Some of them there are pretty good!!


Simon

Simon - Really sorry on this but your comment I have to admit - Some of them there are pretty good!! automatically incurs penalty points for the 2013 event.

As organisers we are endeavouring to ignore 'certain posts' relating to 'humour'. For sure 'they' (and 'they' know who 'they' are ) mustn't be encouraged to flood us with what 'they' perceive as humour

Mind you I have had a good laugh at some of them

So who is in the lead re the penalty points table then?? Or are you not at liberty to say

Simon

V8Simon wrote:

So who is in the lead re the penalty points table then?? Or are you not at liberty to say

Simon

It will be anybody who isn't Welsh.............not that our kind, caring, considerate, etc, etc organisers are biased in any way, the truth is that most of the time they just select a team at random!

Simon - Can't go into too much detail other than say that it isn't a team from Wales or anyone of Welsh heritage

evo4x4 wrote:

Simon - Can't go into too much detail other than say that it isn't a team from Wales or anyone of Welsh heritage

See.......what did I tell you??

Them there kind, considerate, caring, compassionate etc organizers are so devious!!

I do still think that some of those previous posts are brilliant!!

( I wonder how many more penalty points I'm going to get for this post - haha!!)

Simon

This second 'offence' is most serious - and will have to be discussed with the committee.

By the way - not that it influences - any Welsh blood in your veins

Not that I know of Mr Organizer Sir!!

Somewhere in the distant past there is French blood!!

Sorry! Forgot the kind, caring, compassionate bit