Jokes thread

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Drive Through ATM Procedures

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

* 2 Put down your car window.

* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

* 6 Put window up.

* 7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine.

* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

* 5 Turn the radio down.

* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

* 9 Insert card.

* 10 Re-insert card the right side up

* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

* 12 Enter PIN.

* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

* 14 Enter amount of cash required.

* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.

* 19 Re-check make-up again.

* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

* 22 Retrieve card.

* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.

* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

* 27 Release Parking Brake.

(as told by a woman)



I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a fancy mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My Engaged Friend:


The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.


The Mistress:


Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


My Story:


When my husband came home I was wearing my coat and just the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner,Batman?"

After being eliminated from the World Cup, the Nigerian and Albanian teams are due home in England tomorrow.

Paddys sitting at the bar getting drunk as he canny understand why his sister has 4 brothers and he has only three.

( I do like that one)

Woman walks into a Glasgow bakers and says...

"Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

Baker says...

"Naw... yer right enough hen... it's a doughnut"

There are 10 kinds of people in the world....
v
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Those that understand binary....

v
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... and those that don't!!!

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of
marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25
years they had been married
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking
Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put
his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing
her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!


Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while
basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here
on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'



Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Skibum346 wrote:

Woman walks into a Glasgow bakers and says...

"Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

Baker says...

"Naw... yer right enough hen... it's a doughnut"

I've only just got that one after days of trying to figure it out!! LOL!!



A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value"

Midnight wrote:

Skibum346 wrote:

Woman walks into a Glasgow bakers and says...

"Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

Baker says...

"Naw... yer right enough hen... it's a doughnut"

I've only just got that one after days of trying to figure it out!! LOL!!



A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value"

Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two jocks fighting over a penny!

Gurrrrrrr